TMI Thursday: Papercuts.

I'm fashionably late and incredibly busy, but at least I remembered it's TMI Thursday. After going through my reader. Get off me.

This morning when I got to work I had to go #2 really bad, so I went in the bathroom and there was no toilet paper. Except I had already taken care of business. So I had to use the paper towel from the dispenser, which isn't even paper towel, more like extra thin sheets of printer paper, and I think I gave myself a paper cut.

We'll see what happens.

Freakin the freak out.

I'm done with my job at the end of the month.

AT THE VERY LATEST.

Which means I could be done by the end of the week, depending on when the new girl is ready.

End. Of. The. Week.

Wanna know how I feel?


Except not about bacon. I don't even like bacon.

Wanna know how else I'm feeling?











If you didn't catch the hints, I'm freaking out a little.

However, there are a few small perks to what I'm choosing to do that never fail to calm me greatly:




Working from home.



Self Discipline.



And no pants days.

Arf Arf.

Yesterday kicked off the start of NaNoWriMo, and I'm pleased to announce that I already have about 3,000 words. I have a feeling I'm going to max out at about 4,500 words, but we'll see. I'm thinking positive and this is a really fun exercise.

That being said, I really am going to bust my ass to get at least a 50,000 word novel done by the 30th of November, so I might be blogging less since my brain is going to fry itself before I know it.

Either that or I'm going to run far, far away because we're currently dog-sitting my stepmom's stepmothers dog, a bishon frise who is spoiled rotten and socially retarded, and I'm not making any guarantees that I'll survive the week.

All kidding aside (except there was no kidding in that last paragraph) I'm going to leave you with the list of directions she left us on how to care for the dog while she is gone. Of course she had to actually READ us the directions and re-enact everything that needs to be done as well. That didn't go over so well.

My stepmom: Does he have a dog bed to sleep in?

Her stepmom: Ohh no, in fact since J*** (my dad) is going to be out of town all week, he'll probably want to sleep in the bed with you and he can keep you company!

Dad: How the hell is he gonna do that when he's locked in a crate in the garage all week?

Her stepmom: *blank stare*

My dad is so charming.

Cody's Care

1) Medicine - Sunday November 1. 1 heartworm pill, he'll take it right out of your hand.

2) If he's crated - please nothing in crate. NO bones.

3) Feeding - leave food out all day and night. Suppertime - 1 cup dry dog food mixed with 1 package mixables. Or 1/2 cup dry dog food mixed with 1 slice natural balance cut into slices. Note: Keep natural balance in fridge.

Alternate between the 2 combinations. He probably won't eat it all at once. Leave it out and freshen up the next day.

4) Treats/snacks - limit to 2 per day.

5) Human food he eats - piece of cheese, crackers, dry cereal, carrots, all in small amounts. NO TABLE SCRAPS.

6) Potty time - he will whine or stare at you to go outside. Seems after supper he goes out every hour or so. Later he goes before his bedtime, around 9:30/10:30. He will also need to go out first thing in the morning.

7) Commands he knows - sit, get down, ahh-ahh (translation: she means uh-uh), wait (he'll stop and wait for you, then give him the next command, OK), get your leash, wipe your feet, down, lay down, stay, bye bye, ride, walk, I'll be back, be a good boy.

8) Leash walking - Use the short blue leash to walk close to you - hold leash lower, on first knot next to his head. Say "walk nice." Use the light blue long leash to let him run in the yard (with someone out there). Tell him to go potty. Use the heavy long leash to tie him up outside. Note: He doesn't like to be left outside without someone out there with him (he's a people dog).

9) Brushing - brush and comb hair daily.

10) Eye cleaning - wipe his eyes with saline solution and cotton ball a few times a week.

Play with him lots and enjoy him, we hope he won't be a bother for you.

Thank you so very much. We really appreciate you taking care of our little Cody.

P.S. (From Cody) Auntie A**** - If for some reason I have an accident in your house I am so sorry. I didn't mean it. Thank you for watching me. Love, Cody ... arf... arf...

Yep. Arf arf.

People are weird.

I smell skunt.

Skunt = skank + cunt. Thank you, JP.

By now the anonymous problem here is a little less anonymous.

My blog post from the other day wasn't so well received by some stupid skanks because it was about, well... stupid skanks.

First, I received this comment from anonymous. Wait, anonymous isn't as fun to type here. Let's give her a name... let's call her Pooch. Plain and simple. So, Pooch said this:

I would be totally with you on this except for I saw your pics from DC and I now know you are the fat, bitter, dressed-like-one-of-the-Duggar kids kind of girls that hate the fabulous ones. Im pretty sure in one of those pics you where wearing a long jean skirt......ummm yeah, no sweetie! In the words of a ghetto fab girl, dont hate us cause you ain't us!

Back to studying for my mid term tomorrow and online shopping for blue patent leather pumps.

I, as well as all of my readers, along with all of the western hemisphere are better than her, so a few of us just left her a short, to-the-point response.

Lexa: Oh the ever dickish Anon. I love how the internet makes everyone so brave. I am happy to report our hostess does not dress like a Dugger and she is, in fact, one of the fabulous ppl. Also, to compare her hair to that of a duggar is just a crime.

Sidenote: Lexa, you can pet my hair any day.

Me: oh how cute anonymous, but i don't remember even owning a long jean skirt. um, no sweetie! good luck on your midterm and i'm sure you can find a pair of blue patent leather pumps at wal-mart! bite my balls and thanks for reading.

I was going to just leave it at that, but then Pooch returned with a response worthy of a Golden Globe... or maybe a Darwin Award. Except she's not dead yet.

Umm ok but your still fat and I am not. I also buy my shoes from Bluefly, do you know what that is? No? Dont worry, most middle class people dont, its not your fault your not trust fund like I am. Oh and we dont have any Walmarts in NYC, Im sure there are plenty in Detroit (ew) where you (obviously) have scoured the clearence section. And I never said anything about your hair, I actually like it. Have fun in the suburbs!

Alright. Let's break all this down from the beginning.

I would be totally with you on this except for I saw your pics from DC and I now know you are the fat, bitter, dressed-like-one-of-the-Duggar kids kind of girls that hate the fabulous ones.

No, you wouldn't be totally with me because you are a stupid skank and therefore do not have good taste in music. Do I need to continue to elaborate on this? You made yourself clear by just being you.

Also, I am fat so I hate her and am jealous of her. Everyone got that?

Im pretty sure in one of those pics you where wearing a long jean skirt......ummm yeah, no sweetie!

Don't ever accuse me of wearing a long jean skirt.

In the words of a ghetto fab girl, dont hate us cause you ain't us!

Ghetto fab, huh? Helloooooo field day. Well, I Googled "ghetto fab" and this is the first photo that came up:

Found here.

That was easy! I don't know why everyone is so bothered by anonymous comments. All it took was Urban Dictionary and a Google Image search to find out our anonymous gem is named Pooch and looks like... that. It's like a Glad Hefty garbage bag filled with Bisquick. Don't hate 'cause you ain't, Aunt Jemima!

Anypooch, continuing on with her response to mine and Lexa's comments:

Umm ok but your still fat and I am not.

I is? Me is fat and you is not? Your right. Your skinny, your hot, and your probably fried to the point of looking like beef jerky. Your a winner winner chicken dinner! Your so rich and cool.

I also buy my shoes from Bluefly, do you know what that is?

Bluefly? The site with designer clothing at discount prices? Yes I know what that is.

No? Dont worry, most middle class people dont, its not your fault your not trust fund like I am.

Trust fund? Really? Then why aren't you sitting in a private lounge in the back of Neiman Marcus with a private shopper doing your work for you? If I had your luxurious life I wouldn't be shopping amongst the rest of the societal sheep, and you bet your "garbage bag filled with bisquick" ass I wouldn't be shopping on a site that sells DESIGNERS at DISCOUNT PRICES to cater to us ::gasp:: middle class ::gag:: residents who are not stupid enough to buy them at MSRP (that means manufacturer's suggested retail price. Big words, I know). Blasphemy!

Oh and we dont have any Walmarts in NYC, Im sure there are plenty in Detroit (ew) where you (obviously) have scoured the clearence section.

First of all, come to Detroit, stand on 6 and John R in your blue patent leather heels, and say "ew." See how long it takes you to get shanked. You might even make a few bucks in that outfit if you manage to NOT BE MURDERED.

Also, Michigan has 43 Wal Mart locations. New York state has 55. You really never do leave your imaginary upper east side apartment, do you? Maybe you should move your Sims to a new neighborhood. Culture them. Teach them that Wal Mart sells more than just walls, despite what Paris Hilton says.

And no, I didn't get my imaginary long jean skirt on the "clearence" rack at Wal Mart, if I were to even own a long jean skirt, I would have bought it at Costco. I'm kinda pissed you don't know that, it means you're not a faithful reader.

And I never said anything about your hair, I actually like it.

You're damn fucking right you like my hair. I like your strappy white shoes. I'm assuming you got them on Bluefly.

Have fun in the suburbs!

Thanks? I don't really know what to say to that... is it supposed to be an insult? I currently live on 10 acres of land so I wouldn't consider myself much of a "suburbanite." More like a "hillbilly." You just gagged, didn't you? Ugh, my dad even owns a hay business on the side! Ugh, we have tractors! Ugh, a barn! Ugh, my neighbors have roosters! Ugh, there are horses! Ugh, we lives in a restored farmhouse! Ugh, grass! Ugh, you guys have bonfires? Ugh, where's the nearest Saks?

I could go on all day, but no one can do it justice better than you guys (those of you that don't deserve your vagina's to be torched). I'll leave it to you:

PQ says:
Dear Anon, Please pick up your face out of the trash so you can see what you're typing. Or does Hooked on Phonics not work for trust fund babies?

LiLu says:
Dear Anon, Insults work much better if you know how to spell, shit for brains. "Your" a total cuntsicle.
Luv,
LiLu

Rachel said:
Hey anon. you wouldn't need bluefly if you really were trust fund. Clearly you fell down in those hooker spikes you're wearing and bumped your little head on the concrete. Too bad your vag is probably rotting out and Daddy's gotta donate to whatever school would take you so that you can appear to be a functioning member of society. Keep your opinions to yourself. Like you said, don't hate us cause you ain't us. Ginger is badass.

Just A Girl said:
Anon,
Hi, you're a fucking bitch. Bragging about being a trust fund baby says, "I have no usable skills unless you count the ability to fellate illiterate douchebags in the bathrooms of clubs." As my darling Lemmonex said, "the most low class thing in the world is to talk about money."
So you've already showed us that you're classless, but by posting anonymously, you've also showed that you're chickenshit too. If I were ever going to say the things you just said (which I wouldn't, because I'm not a snatch), I would have the guts to put my name on it.

Shine said:
I can really only gather that Ms. Ghetto Fab Anon is an illiterate, bitter, gutless bitch. Good luck on that midterm. Hope your professors don't check spelling or grammar.

PithyComments said:
Hey Anon,
I hear Jon Gosselin is single and he's already used to that hot-dog-down-a-hallway feeling, so you'd be perfect for him! Plus, I'm sure you already have the matching Ed Hardy shirts in your closet.
Toodles!

Dysfunction Junction said:
Get bent. Thanks for ruining Bluefly for those of us out here who like fashionable shit at reasonable prices (SORRRYYYY, my "trust fund" hasn't quite kicked in yet).
And about that "trust fund" thing: Blowing douchebags in bathrooms and saving the $5 they give you afterward is not the same thing as a trust fund. Just a helpful hint. So, thanks for playing and you can promptly fuck off.

Does it get any better than that group of bitches right there? I don't think so.

Oh, and then I pissed off another anonymous. I'd assume it was the same one, but this one at least formulated slightly more of a coherent sentence. Oh, and this one needs a nickname too, we'll call him Pughdaddy just because it goes well with Pooch.

What! You wouldn't know Pantera if Phil came and fucking bit your nipple off and spit it in your face. And don't ever, ever put down Journey. You should just fucking find a water filled ditch and lay in it. good blog btw.

I'll assume anyone who refers to the lead singer of a band by their first name is a creepy old man whose "never too old to rock" days are long gone. Sorry you didn't make the team, bro. And if you would have squinted through your bong cloud and read my disclaimer at the end, you'd be aware that I love many of the bands I listed in the "stupid skank" category. I love Journey. I love Bon Jovi. I love ACDC. However, they are very popular, and therefore stupid skanks know their music quite well after years of being overplayed in bars. I don't think that's worth lying in a ditch for, but if you're really that old and bitter you should holla at Kevorkian. He'll do it quick and painless Grandpa.

Bite my balls you cowardice twats, and to the rest of you who never fail to jump in with your wit and charm just as you're needed.... THANK YOU. I love you all. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm busy being middle class.

Top 10 badass songs stupid skanks in the bar will not know.

Recently I was at a bar with some friends. This bar was LIT-RALLY crowded with an army of skank after skank after skank. Skanks that wear their vagina around their neck with gold bling attachments, a short bunchy skirt, and patent leather heels in a bright color entirely different than the color of their skirt. i.e. a hot pink skirt/vagina dress and piss yellow heels. All in the name of "fashion" and "being trendy."

Anytrash, I was in this bar for about 30 minutes before my head nearly imploded and I left. What caused the ticking time bomb to activate?

Ozzy.

Crazy Train came on. Crazy Train is a classic. Everyone knows Crazy Train. If you don't, that's perfectly fine by me as long as you're not in patent leather heels and a dress made by Michelle Duggar's vagina. However, this is what happened to make me consider irrational behavior on a level I cannot even speak.

A guy dressed in a white tee, white kicks, fake leather vest, fauxhawk and rosary around his neck walked up to the army of skanks. He's mouthing the words to Crazy Train. One of the girls looks at him and starts giggling. This happens:

Guy: Girl, why aren't you singing?

Skank: Why would I know some annoying metal song like this? This song is obnoxious.

Cue me leaving.

That being said, I leave you with this:

Top Ten badass fucking songs near the top of my rollodex iPod that stupid skanks at the bar will not know:

10) Ozzy - Crazy Train.
9) Pantera - Walk
8) Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl/Dragula/Superbeast
7) Steely Dan - Do It Again
6) Santana - Put Your Lights On
5) Black Sabbath - War Pigs
4) Led Zeppelin - Achilles Last Tape
3) Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall
2) Rage Against The Machine - Everything by Rage Against The Machine
1) Metallica - All of it. Stupid skanks don't have taste, therefore they don't listen to Metallica


Top Ten Songs, classic or not, that stupid skanks at the bar WILL KNOW and will also think "yeaaaa we know rock music" for knowing.


10) Billy Idol - Mony Mony
9) Journey - Don't Stop Believin'
8) Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
7) Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer
6) Kiss - Rock & Roll All Night
5) Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
4) ACDC - You Shook Me All Night Long
3) Deff Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me
2) Nickelback - Burn It To The Ground
1) Nickelback - Rockstar

***Disclaimer*** These lists do not reflect the views of all non-skanks, and may differ from one non-skank to another. If you do not know certain songs in the top list, it does not mean you are, by default, a stupid skank. Also, if you find that you like any or all of the songs in the bottom list, this does not automatically qualify you as a stupid skank, with the exception of song #2 and #1. I happen to like several of the other songs in the bottom list and am not a stupid skank because I do non-skanky things, such as drink beer and wear sweatpants to the bar. These sweatpants, however, do not say "Juicy" on the ass, and therefore are not skanky sweatpants. Lastly, some of the songs on these lists would not typically be played in a bar, but if they were, the group of stupid skanks at said bar would or would not know them, depending on the list they are on. Also, feel free to add in the comments any song you believe should be added to either list. This could go on for days. If you happen to disagree with anything I have on either of these lists, you are wrong.

Help me stir my pot.

Hey kids! Blogging on a Saturday is weird. Weird like driving in your car and hitting a flying bird with your windshield, or weird like sending someone a virtual steak as a gift on a dating website.

Anyweird, thanks to my darling Ali, I signed up for NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month.

The concept of this is to start writing a novel on November 1st. By November 30, plan on having a 50,000 word novel written to submit to them. The best part about this is that it gives you a goal and a crunched amount of time. Also, they focus on quantity, not quality. That sounds ass backwards, but if you're writing with the goal of reaching 50,000 words instead of the goal of having a perfect novel, you're likely to pull inspiration from places you've never expected to pull anything... from. Once the contest is over you still own all the rights to your work, so you can go back and edit, edit, edit until it's exactly what you want if you want to publish it. If you've ever thought of publishing a book, you're probably just like me and said "I'll do it one day, but the inspiration hasn't hit me yet."

This will give you no choice but to write SOMETHING. So give it a go, do it! We're all going to be writing some of the weirdest crap we've ever come up with, so don't be intimidated. Just do it.

Here's where I'm asking for your help - I like pulling inspiration from what other people have to say, so if you'd like, leave something really weird and random in the comments. For example - "blogging on a Saturday is weird like driving and hitting a flying bird with your windshield." Just do it. Get my brain (and yours) stewing.

Have a good weekend!

Overfeeding a cat can be very dangerous.

Via Average Cats
I am only on an internet dating site to read the messages.

I just came to this conclusion. I don't even want a boyfriend. I don't feel like going on dates. I've got enough friends for now.

Why don't I cancel my account, you ask?

First of all, I wrote something similar to this on examiner. Read it here.

I truly didn't think it could get much more Twilight Zone-esque than what I wrote about in that article, but I don't know why I come to such ridiculous conclusions. Yesterday I received this gem:

Subject: Hi Mandy

My name is ***** and I like camping. My favorite kind of food is cajan and chinese food. I also like hiking and nature. good conversation is also something I enjoy participating in. I have studied iaido,which is japanese swordsmanship along with other japanese arts. I am very fluent in the german language and also speak some mandarin, and a little japanese. Initially I majored in history while in college because i wanted to be a history teacher. However I eventually discovered that I had a gift for creativity and worked as a prototype mechanic which is my present profession. There are times, though, when I wish I had continued pursuing a degree in history because I still find the subject fascinating. Now that I've shared a few things about myself, I'd like to learn some things about you. What is your favorite book? My mother has a 25 pound cat that I like. Do you have any pets? or, tell me something that you think is interesting about yourself. Hope to hear from you soon..

*****

I can't think of a better first line to a message you're sending to a potential date than "My name is ***** and I like camping." If you're a professional camper and you require someone to aspire to be a professional camper along with you, then fine. However, I don't see this as an appropriate first line of a message to me. Especially since my profile doesn't say anything about enjoying camping. Shit, it doesn't even say anything about liking the outdoors. I do like camping and I do like going outside, and I do think that nature is pretty, but none of those define me and my interests as a whole. I was terrified of bugs as a kid. My mom was one of those mothers who made you feel guilty for not going outside. I list sweatpants as one of my interests, for fucks sake.

And it's charming that he "likes" his mother's 25 pound cat, but once again, I don't really have anything in my profile that shows I might care about a 25 pound cat. In fact, I would probably abuse a 25 pound cat because I'd be doing nothing other than plopping it into compromising positions and making LOLcat posters out of it. That's all a 25 pound cat is made for anyway, right?

It gets better. At the bottom of the picture, he attached a picture of the 25 pound cat... wearing a tophat and a tie. But wait! He attached another photo. Of himself. In the same tophat as the cat.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I do not cancel my account.

Happy Friday.